Last Sunday evening, I was restless living inside that weird fog that always consumes me after midday naps. Abruptly I stood up announcing “I’m going for a walk” and when asked how far I’d be going I could only say “I don’t know.”
It’s a very similar feeling to what serves as my motivation to run. Some feeling is circulating in my mind that can’t be articulated without movement and the rhythm of one foot in front of the other is enough of a distraction that my brain can actually latch onto an idea without the need to suppress it. I guess a restless mind needs a restless body to relieve it of it’s worries.
Speaking of which, here’s the definition of “Restless”: the state of being unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety or boredom. As far as i can tell, last Sunday was not a case of boredom. It’s hard to be bored when you have infinite music and information at your fingertips. Which leaves anxiety. Great… now the walking is a matter of unpacking what that’s about. And it wasn’t far into my walk that the art that needed to find me honed in and arrived just when I needed it.
“The Great Escape” by Patrick Watson
Bad day, looking for a way home
Looking for the Great Escape
Gets in his car and drives away
Far from all the things that we are
Puts on a smile and breathes it in
And Breathes it out, he says
Bye bye, bye to all of the noise
Oh, he says, Bye bye
Bye to all of the noise
Hey child, things are looking down
That’s OK, you don’t need to win anyways
Don’t be afraid, just eat up all the grey
And it will all fade all away
Don’t let yourself fall down
Bad day
Looking for the Great Escape
He says, bad day
Looking for the great escape
On a bad day
Looking for the great escape
The Great Escape
As this played through I was staring at this little stoop of an office for a dentist. For some reason at 8pm with no one around the little neon light blinked “OPEN”. Open for what? I wondered. As someone who has had a root canal in the last year, it’s not something I would recommend someone undergo at 8pm on a Sunday. But as I stared a little longer through the first tears that were coming down, I started to see how inviting these steps were. Much like the one’s that I’ve sat upon when I dreamed the night away with friends, knowing the reality of our current situation, the beauty of our current lives, was on its death bed.
And here in lies the problem: In the past three years, outside of my work commitments, I’ve barely spent longer than a week in one place. Having spent almost 1.5 months now in Salt Lake I’ve resolidified my understanding of the joys that come in having a home base.
It’s the way you can watch the orchid grow and bloom in the front room, the people you get to see more than twice learning about their dreams and desires and hearing how they are excited to support you in achieving yours, the art you are able to invest yourself into when you are not stressed about where you’re going to park at night, the excitement in building a wacky little tradition around Tuesday night bingo that somehow ends with a tipsy walk to McDonald’s, the fun in knowing that just because most people run the park loop counter clockwise you still choose to run it clockwise because you get to see the faces of all the regulars that run there on a sunny afternoon, helping a friend move into the city and sharing a meal with them on their empty floor, all the things that contribute to this sense of home.
As I walked around I pondered what life could be like here. What it would be to be in my mid twenties living in a thriving city. (Side bar: I have always wondered what it be like to be living the traditional mid-twenties downtown manhattan fantasy and actually enjoy it. Is it possible to switch bodies with someone for a day and feel what that’s like, cause I’m still most positive I would suffocate in Manhattan?)
Anywho, I started to see ghosts of myself in these places. The places that soon won’t be a part of what I call my “Home”. A word that’s been hard to use with full confidence, in my travels.
Porch Nap’s
Outback Smoke
Millies…
Post Bingo
Stay a little longer, please
I know, some people will think I’m crazy for not just staying here. Settling in a while. Getting a regular job. But to no fault of the people, place, or things around me I continue to be restless. I wonder, actually it’s a 73% certainty, that this is because I have shown myself I have the choice to live this crazy and varied lifestyle, and this restlessness is a sort of travel withdrawal. After all I’m just “a bag of water with chemicals in it”.
Now I know I’m not done traveling but I’ve learned how I go about this travel is must change. I can’t ignore the great joy and curse that exists with being able to pick up and go so easily. The prospect of taking a 3-6 month job used to terrify me and now it’s becoming more appealing. I continue to throw applications out to places overseas that would ultimately end my nomadic lifestyle but replace it with the great adventure of figuring out how to navigate a foreign country. A dream that was reinvigorated as I walked around the Chinese market here in town and heard at least 5 different languages being spoken around shelves and shelves of ingredients I knew nothing about.
My friend Ethan, who has not once given up on the challenge of trying to convince me to move back to Colorado Springs, once told me “Dan you do great at living on the road alone and you do great living in one spot with your community, it’s the inbetweens that are killing you.” He’s right and that’s why I walked last Sunday.
In a week or two that in between will be upon me and I will be making decisions on what the next path is and they are as far apart and varied as all the people I love in this world. Many of them currently don’t have any set guarantees or logic to them. Just gut feelings that this could another be another avenue of growth.
I guess that’s the issue as an artist, there is no set path like there is if you want to be a pilot or a doctor. There is just an endless wandering about the forrest seeing what pictures form amidst the trees and trying to create a space that others see them too.
Do you see them?
I love you,
Dan
Hello Dearest Friends,
I’m starting this week wondering if this process of recounting the delights of my week is in any way changing how time is felt and processed in my brain. You’ve probably experienced how 2 hours can feel so different dependent on if you are running, driving, doomscrolling etc. right? Well, I just am curious is being aware of each passing week in my life is affecting the perception of that time at all. I think there is a Radio Lab podcast episode about that.
Anyway, before I go too far down that rabbit hole I should get into the Delights of the week. So here we go :)
- Okay technically this one happened today so it should be listed in next weeks delights but how could I pass up delighting in this amazing breakfast!
A lovely combination of French Toast made from a lovely brioche loaf Harrison picked up, and fresh orange juice and blueberry compote prepared by me! Sooooo yummmyyyy, I wish I could prepare this for all of you. So let’s plan a breakfast sometime soon, yeah?
- The Project for Awesome, a annual live stream fundraiser put on by John and Hank Green and the greater Nerdfighteria Community has raised $3,661,235 that will go to benefit Partners in Health, Save the Children, and 30 more charities voted on by the community.
Somewhere in there is my $10 and I think what is most magical about this event is that a majority of the money raised is from the small donations. This is what I love about Nerdfighteria Collectively coming together to Decrease World Suck. There is still time for you to donate if you are financially able and you can do so here. DFTBA!
- I was reminded of my time marching with Cadets2 in 2015 and specifically of one special individual. Dennis had came over from China to audition for the Cadets and earned a spot with C2. Essentially the difference between making the MLB and the minor leagues. That however did not deter him from seeking the Cadet experience. And he came over to America found a place to live and showed up every weekend to work his butt off in attempt to be the best Tuba performer he could be on that field. I’m always amazed and inspired by the dedication of people who sho up with no language skills and find a way to thrive. Always was a blast to hang around him and he was one special part of that season where we got 2nd place! Miss you Dennis!
- This glorious cadet meme :)
- Finding Sara Bareillies memoir “Sounds Like Me” at the local library while I was working there one day and reading a collection of letters that she had written to herself as a part of the essays she was writing for the book. It ended with the following passage,
I am still working hard each day to value and cherish whatever it is that is here in front of me. I guess that’s why I write about these delights. I also want to offer this live rendition of “Once upon another time.” One of the most magical musical performances.
-For anyone who has ever used a dating app you know how bad they are but every now and then you get a little laugh like this.
-I went on a date this week and thought it went well but eventually the nice lady texted me a little note saying she had a great time but didn’t see a second date in the future. A bummer in some respects but the fact that apple AI decided to summarize her message into this note made me laugh so hard I started to think of a new art project based upon it!
-This New Yorker cartoon. Expect some fun phone call’s in the future :)
-This observation about humans that got me curious to what other things you could predict about humanity’s calendar through untraditional means! Any other fun Ideas?
-This is more of a delight in the human capacity to make art wherever it has a canvas. The messages, while sometimes vulgar and about topics many don’t want to address, are an a showing of this humanity we share.
-This lovely elephant statue someone has made.
-I finished a book of poems “adultolecense” by Gabbie Hanna. A collection of poems about modern day young adulthood. There were many moments where I laughed, earmarked truths I have yet to believe, and found myself in deep thought. A inspiration that all stories are valid to be shared.
-These happy views at Sugar House Park.
-Meeting a friend of a friend after they performed some live music at a local cocktail bar. Their music was a soothing intro to a night that was then filled with laughter and joy. Thank you Yudi. You should all check out their latest album. :)
-A long run with Harrison around the University of Utah and beyond. When we started the weather was snowing and cold and as we finished all the clouds had parted and dried up a small piece of sidewalk that made for a very inviting place to lay down for a moment.
- I watched two lovely movies: The Florida Project and My Old Ass. The Florida Project made me question what makes a good child hood and what actually is the “happiest place on earth” while my old ass made me question how much time I spend living in the past trying to change things that are now core to my being. Each one has me thinking back to the Sara Bareillies Book above.
-Lastly a two hour 5 mile walk around the neighborhoods last night. I was very caught up in mind swirls after a nap and needed to move my body. What I thought would just be a short peruse down the street led me on a journey of introspection about my coming steps in life, the value of home, and presented me some lovely photo opportunities that I plan to use in future postcards. Thank you to Trader Joe’s for providing a safe place to walk around and warm up after the first hour and a half. The Flowers smelled amazing thank you for placing those right in the front.
Okay that’s the collection for now. The peels from this mornings OJ are now being candified and I need to go turn off the stove. So until next time I hope you have a delightful week. If you ever want to share your delights, I would love to delight alongside you. Send me a note :)
With great love,
Dan
Last Sunday, I ran a half marathon. That wasn’t my intention when I set out to run, I really just knew I needed to do one thing: Get out of my head.
As someone who spends a lot of time searching through my catalogue of memories for inspiration, I often get swept out into a current of memories that is less than pleasant. The easiest lifeline out of this is to doom scroll and distract. Let the lottery of social media feed some dopamine that will mask the pain for a short time with reels of peoples own sorrows and memes of frogs. What’s harder is actually sitting with my own brain and confronting the waves of memories with grace and curiosity. I don’t know about you, but this is not really a state of mind that I can “flip the switch” and immediately find myself inside of. It usually takes me a great deal of time and some sort of physical distraction. That’s where running comes in.
I wrote this back back on November 14th, 2023 after being in one of these mental spots. And I think it sums up how I needed up running a half marathon. So I hope you enjoy this poem. If you want to hear a reading I have done of it myself, I’ll link it here.
————————
November 14th, 2023
To get out of your head
Yesterday,
I ran not for the joy of running
but to get away, from the one thing I can never get away from
The one thing you carry with you onto every plane wishing they would tell you it’s oversized
So that when you are told it’ll be another $30 dollars to bring it with you
Scratch that $45 dollars, you missed the check in deadline
You can laugh looking into your wallet knowing that those $45 dollars:
1) Are better spent on the finer joys in life, ya know junior mints and sour patch kids, and that one croissant you buy to pretend your life is a movie even though you’ve never been to France
2) Could be donated to a charity you love, they say in all those commercials that $1 is 7 lbs of food so it looks like i got 315 lbs of food. That’s 2.5 times the weight of scrawny ole 5 foot 10 me. nature’s ideal form of skin and bones. But truly and this is number
3) That money doesn’t exist so please just let me leave it behind in Dallas, maybe someone else can get better use of it than me
Anyway,
I was running. Again Not for the joy of it.
Finding that runners high is a 1 in 10 roll of the dice that to even get a spot at the table you have to go at least 3 miles
Many modern “shamans” have coached me saying that really all i need to do is breathe
simple as that
Just
Breathe
put yourself in a box and count to
one… two… three… (hold)
Out.. two.. three…
do this enough and sure enough
Your newly oxygenated brain will be higher than the kites of the children on the beach
Allowing you to land the helicopter of your mind
gently back into your body
Where now being present, once again
you can find the gratitude to move on with life
What a grand idea this is, all pomp and no circumstance
This box breathing does no more than gift me a brief respite from the always flushing toilet bowl of shit in my brain
Pretending to me heal me like a 4 year old offering me nothing more than a bandaid on an arterial bleed of my sanity
so I ran. Once again not for “fun” but because when you run
you have no choice but to breathe. So maybe they were right.
I jokingly texted my friend Claire “lets see how many miles it takes”
“ah what a fun game” she replied
I told her “I’ll place the over under line at 3.1 miles.” Any takers in the audience?
*proceed to play bookie taking bets*
Well it turns out all you need is 1.5 miles
of only uphill
that’ll get the job done
So Congrats ladies and gentleman
the under has hit. Please collect your winnings on the way out but again for now
I was running
I was so inside my body that with each breath that entered
I could feel the engine of my heart and lungs heat it up
before dispelling it into the aching muscles of my legs
unaware they were the ones to be called upon to carry the weight
of my soul
Unaware that just because the first 1.5 miles is uphill
doesn’t mean the back half of the loop will all be downhill
No no it could never be so easy
especially when the eyes distracted by the word “lookout”
Lead you down before the summit
hoping they can find some wonderful scene to feast upon
because the grove of madrones and manzanitas apparently is merely an appetizer
to the mountains we were promised at the outset
Ha ha no no it could never be so easy.
And why should it be
We are, after all, running. running “away” for that matter.
Who ever in the history of running away from something has had it easy
Who wasn’t stalked and chased down,
hunted
having to keep an eye open even as they rest
upon that table placed here by the lousiest eagle scout project i know.
Benches and tables.
Yuck,
as a member of this esteemed rank I thought “What was the improvement to the community? Who really labored to put this here?
And why here, this lookout doesn’t even have a far spanning vista?”
What a ridiculous project I thought as I rested upon it
gazing above me into the web of golden ruby mittens of the trees that surrounded me
their branches intertwined the way I believe memories do in my mind.
And it was these same trees that listened as I replayed voice memos of my past.
my terrible singing and unrepeatable improvs
arrogant musings on life.
My feet walking over sand and under waterfalls
the sound of my car as it rushed down the highway.
And the quotes of strangers and celebrities and loved ones laughing at those celebrities because “sometimes i get nervous on airplanes”
These trees didn’t judge
they didn’t they didn’t pick up a phone distracted,
They loved.
Swaying side to side in the wind as if with each memory they wanted me to see them saying
“yes. I understood this moment’s significance as deeply as well”
As if they were rooted around me this entire time.
Watching me, protecting me.
And maybe they were
But with the sun fading fast I had to go, I still needed groceries for the week.
I said goodbye for now thankful for their steadfast community and simple rejuvenation
I still had 3 miles to go. So with a wave of their branch I was off again.
Running.
————————
Up and Up
Above the Noise
Above the Noise 2
Hello McLoughlin
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I’d be happy to answer any questions you have about this piece and would love to hear about the ways you set yourself up so you can greet your mind with love and curiosity. You can text me, send me a DM or just drop me a message here. <—— click that to write to Dan he would love to hear from you :)
Running will forever be apart of my tool kit to calm my mind. (Is it crazy that I have dreams of running the Leadville 100? Maybe haha)
Til next time, I hope you find the calm’s you’re looking for.
Always running,
Dan <3
